How to Spot undercover “Killer Clowns”#toomuchtimeontheirhands

Hi,

So, i’m listening to some Red Hot Chili Peppers and I let my playlist keep playing and eventually i’m brough to a video called Top 15 Scariest Clown Sightings Videos. It’s more funny than scary, but at any rate, I decided to use my super-profiling powers to help you identify the everyday identities of these dumbasses.

 

This person could be sitting right across from you right now…

 

Here’s a list of characteristics that will help you identify them without their makeup and clown-horns:

 

1. They are DEFINATELY 30 year old virgins (if you’re a virgin and 30 and NOT a clown, then this doesn’t apply to you.
2. Their favorite game is “Call of Duty”, but they totally suck, which is WHY they lash out as killer virgin clowns.
3. They live at home in their parents’ basement and they don’t pay rent, which is how they can afford chainsaws and big-ass clown boots.
4.  They’re not wearing clown makeup; they’re just so pale from living in their parent’s basement that they look like they’re wearing make-up.
5. In daily life, they have a high propensity to play pokemon go.
6. Although they appear to be able to run fast, they are only able to run 2 miles and hour and that’s for a 1o second sprint. If you can run longer than 20 seconds, you can outrun them. If you can run for at least 1 minute, you can beat the @#$$ out of them.
7. They come in two main forms: unemployed and creepy. The creepy type come out at night, while the unemployed clowns have the luxury of scaring unsuspecting people in the day time when they should be working.
8. They get weak when they hear the word “relationship” or  ” girlfriend”. At this time they are susceptible to nut-bashings with your feet.
9. To bring the hidden clowns in your life out of hiding, do the following: when you’re with a person you suspect of being a “killer” clown, invite them to watch a video (like the one I linked above) about clowns scaring people. If you notice that they squirm in ecstasy and cover their privates, then they are a clown. What you do next is up to YOU.
10. Look for odd shaped objects poking out of their purses. It’s pretty hard to hide a clown stilletto in a pokemon go inspired back-pack, so this will be a dead giveaway.

 

 

That’s all I got right now, but i will share more of my profiling findings as they develop.

Be safe.

Amir Campbell